Do not be afraid--I wonder how many times that phrase appears in Scripture.  The one I am reading today-the angel tells the shepherds to not be afraid--is a beginning devotional to Advent.  And it causes me to think about the number of times I am afraid.  Afraid of facing tomorrow not knowing where I will spend my last days, not knowing what Joe's bottom line issue with health is, afraid that the money will run out, afraid that we will lose our home,  and the list goes on and on.  Who is in charge here?  It better not be me!!  'cause I know what I would do if I were God!  He must look down and laugh and chuckle to himself, "My goodness gracious--hasn't she tried that route enough??  Evidently NOT--but I still love her and it is ok.  I knew her as she was being formed==she is my handiwork.  Sometimes it takes longer for her to realize who she really is but I knew that when she was only a thought in her dad and mom's mind.  Keep looking and you will find --keep reading and praying and you will find there is no need for fear--she does not take one step without her Father's knowledge."
That is the good news--remind me daily--no, minute by minute!!!

Can't believe I thought that----

This morning standing in my kitchen doing last night's dishes-out of the blue-"Can I trust you, Lord?"  Wherever did that come from?--my innermost feelings that are not even conscious, something I have denied for so long?  I know the right answers--am I just hoping that what I have been taught and even experienced are true?  I don't have the answers--maybe for too long I have just put one foot in front of the other and kept on going saying over and over to myself "I know this is what I am suppose to believe?"
Lord, I do not want just head knowledge--I want to know You and all You have for me.  And guess what? I even write that with a little hesitation!  The journey seems so long and the past how I wish I could change so many things--I think for the better!  It has been so hard to listen and WAIT!  That one word has been like an anchor around my neck that I have drug around for too long and yet "IT" keeps coming up in scripture, even out of the mouths of those around me.  How can I yield completely to You?  This is my question for today.  Where will you show up?  I know You will!

On and on "it" goes

"It" is defined here as the daily grind  of yearning and trying to be the person God sees me as becoming--the one he created me to be. And that can be a daily struggle.  It is so difficult to always be trying--I know scripture says this job belongs to the Father.  I get caught up in the daily grind of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the needs of others (who can probably take care of their own needs!), and trying to take care of myself--something I was taught was not necessary.  I even feel a little rebellion against even writing that I need to take time for myself--isn't that selfish.  I'll tackle that statement in another time and place!

For now I am struggling with the passage that speaks of Mary and Martha.  A couple of weeks ago in talking to someone, the words "Martha and Mary" came up and my immediate reaction was to say, "I never understood that scripture!"  With quite an emphasis on each word!  It really made me mad that Martha was so misunderstood and even rebuked by Jesus.

In the first place, Lord--I can hear myself saying--Scripture says he was in Martha's house.  She must have been the sister who was saving and cutting corners to be able to be the owner of a house, she was responsible, the house was ready to receive visitors and food was being prepared to serve the visitors.  The visitor was Jesus and the very best was to be offered to him.  Maybe when she knew he was coming the floor was not swept, the lamb was not even killed, the other dishes were not ready, maybe she had to go to the market, maybe the table cloth was not even ironed, and who knew where enough napkins were stored.  And what about an arrangement--maybe flowers or candles or both--which would look best?  So why do I know so much about Martha's feelings?  In this home I am Martha!  

The title page continues

Wouldn't it be easy to just Just Fly Away!!  Forget the daily grind of getting up to the same jobs that need to be done every day--washing dishes, fixing meals, dusting only to have the dust reappear almost as soon as you finish, ironing (once in awhile), putting clothes away (or not), grocery shopping--and on and on my list goes.  Vacation days are what I think I need--someone else cooking, reading a book that takes little thinking, window shopping, just taking my own "sweet time".  But that is not my world today--maybe never and for this minute that is ok!  I want that feeling to continue--my world for this moment is ok--sorta!!!
Fifty years ago plus a few weeks when I married, I NEVER imagined my golden years would not be so golden!  I envisioned a home of my dreams--three bedrooms, two baths, a study, a living room for those special occasions like Christmas, Easter and birthdays, a den--does anyone even use that word any more?--a dining room for very special occasions!, a yard that produced flowers,especially zinnias in the summer, that occasionally was The Yard of the Month!  And at least four grandchildren who would be my delight!  That has not happened.  And for this moment that is ok!  That was my dream--not the Father's plan for my life.
There are plenty of times that I mourn that unfulfilled dream, there are even times that I am mad at myself for even thinking that was my dream and there are times I rage at the Father for even allowing me to have that dream.  Webster's defines dreams as "to have visions, to delude oneself with imagined things, picture, fantasize, be in the clouds".  Webster goes on to say that a dreamer is " visionary--a good thing I think--Oops! an idealist, a romantic" and then he goes on to say "RADICAL"--I'm not even going to look that up!
The only way this can be ok is that I believe the Father has a better plan--a plan to give me a hope and a future--Jer. 31.  And for me most of the time my belief that the Father is right is when I struggle and have no where else to go but to the Father!  Rage goes away, tears come and I beg for His presence.

Hold On

Debbie Macomber is one of my favorite fiction writers.  Her stories are a fun interesting "clean" read about real people.  However recently I picked up One Perfect Word--just what I have been looking for--one perfect word for this year.  I was reading the chapter on Brokenness and she quotes Harriet Beecher Stowe "When you get in a tight place and everything goes against you, til it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."    Her words sounded really encouraging--just hold on!  But to what do I hold?  Our son is in a cell--he says "just like you see on television"--where the doors slam and lock, with a bed, a cabinet with special "treats" that the family pays for, with someone you like or have to tolerate right beside you.  You  have  no choices of when to get up or go to bed or what or when to eat your three meals a day.  There is no sunlight peaking through, no sight of the outdoors, no gym to workout in, no word from your PD with no idea of what is going for or against you--and you say "Hold on"  Right! 
But it is at this point that I can say "There is  good news--but only if you know the Savior!"  The Good News is His Word:  "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted"  ps.34  "And again I say Wait, Wait for the Lord"  ps 27  "And we know that all things work for the good of them who know and love the Lord"  "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's Will for you in Christ Jesus."  1 Thess.5:16

the Beginning

Never in my wildest dreams did I dream my journey through this life would include multiple visits to a federal prison.  And not just any federal prison--but THE ONE in Miami, Florida.  I'd never even thought about visiting Miami--it's too far south and it's too hot, even in December.  But we are called to do things we never dream of when it concerns your very own son.  Some of these "things" were done by sheer determination that I had to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.  Some of these steps meant climbing the steps to enter a federal building only to be pushed through doors that automatically locked behind you.  There were feelings of incompetence --what had I done wrong?--what could I do now?--was this really happening?--where was God when this was taking place?--and was He here in what seemed to be a God-forsaken place.  Guards did not smile or ask how you were.  Every time I entered I was afraid I would forget to put the few things I needed--driver's license, the one key to my car, change for the vending machines--all in a qt. size baggie --and not be allowed to enter that one time in the week that we were allowed to visit for an hour--all of THIS after traveling 600 miles.  Our life's journey does take us through many terrains--some are beautiful and our desire is to visit and revisit with each time only adding to our pleasure.  I cannot get enough of watching waves roll in as I see the ocean stretched across the horizon--the ocean seems to go on forever!  But the journey of visiting your son in a federal penitentiary is not a part of the journey one expects to look forward to.  And I discovered that God is there , He knows, He cares and His plan for your journey is for His purpose of bringing peace AND joy to your life as you learn to trust Him beyond any means of your own comprehension and most importantly to bring glory to Himself! 

  When this "event" happened a whole new journey began.  I thought I knew where I was  going in this life, but visiting a federal prison was not one of the Seven Wonders I planned to include in my travels.  I knew there would be turns in the road but never did I think of a complete detour--a sorta falling off the face of the earth!
     I have never questioned whether or not there is a God.  I grew up in a small Baptist church in a small rural community, married, joined a large Presbyterian church because we loved the minister because of his love for the congregation and his British accent.  After investigating the doctrine and believing the Apostles Creed--"I believe in God the Father, Maker of Heaven and Earth and in Jesus Christ His only son..." we continued to be Presbyterians.   Our lives continued to be rather normal--a upper middle-class 2 sons happy family.   And then  a phone call comes that the oldest son has been arrested--for what? How? where is he?  Are you sure?  And my question was not Is there a God? but God WHAT are you doing?  Your Word says You do not sleep.  Ok if you do not sleep how did this get past you?  One continues to walk and talk but life looses its feelings except for the  unbelief in what is happening.  And the realization comes that I am not in control, He Is!
    Several years ago we had been in a Bible study that had been centered around Rick Warren's book.  I never got much past the beginning sentence--I Am Not In Control!  But I thought I was!